Rebuilding myself...

Rebuilding myself...

Wake up early tomorrow.

Eat a good breakfast.

Do your hair and makeup and put on your kick-ass outfit.

Go to work, make that money, and learn something new in the process.

Nourish.

Grow.

Inspire.

Self-destruction is not an option.

And let every choice you make be a brick in the foundation of rebuilding yourself.

Unknown (If you know who said this, please let me know in the comments.)

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Years ago, I remember sitting in my living room feeling empty, bored, tired and depressed.  It seemed like everybody around me was busy.  It wasn't just that they were busy, but their lives seemed full.  They were doing things that mattered to them.  I, on the other hand, was just surviving.    

I was living in an apartment with my daughter who was 4 at the time.  It was just me and her and I was not happy with the way things were going.  I did not know exactly what I wanted, but I did know what I did not want.  So, I started there.  I wrote a list of all the things I did not want.  It was pretty much everything in my life at that moment.  I surrounded myself with people who didn't appreciate me.  I did not like where I lived - it was full of horrible memories.  I didn't like the choices I was making.  I didn't like myself.

When I was satisfied I had gotten everything out that I could think of that I did not want, I thought of each one for a while and what the opposite of those would look like.  I wrote them down next to each thought on the list.  Even though I didn't, at the time, believe I could actually have this life that was complete opposite of my current life, it was a starting point, a seed that I had just planted.  

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Writing this list was more powerful than I had anticipated.  It shifted my thoughts.  Instead of waking up each morning and dreading my life, I naturally began to change the way I did things, with the list lingering in the back of my mind.  I made different choices, surprisingly effortlessly.  I had hope for a different life.  As my thinking changed, I began to attract new experiences.  

Self-destruction was never an option.  I had a child and I would not live my life in survival mode.  I never wanted her to feel that she wasn't worth it to me to be my best self.  I didn't know what that meant at the time, but my own feelings of unworthiness drove me each day.  It wasn't about her being proud of me.  It was about her knowing she mattered enough for me to face my pain and become a better mother for her.  

Twelve years later, I can see how far I've come.  When I feel overwhelmed, I remember my life back then and immediately I feel gratitude for my journey, as difficult and painful as it was.  I feel proud of myself for never giving up, even though I wanted to so many times.  I am busy.  I am fulfilled.  I have two wonderful children.  I have an amazing man in my life.  I love my job.  I am on my way and I am already there.  I am grateful.

Life has no remote.  There is no magical pill.  Nobody is coming to save us.  If we want a change, we have to get up, do the work and take responsibility for ourselves.

<3 Leticia Rae

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