I recently had surgery...

If you follow me on facebook and instagram, you might have noticed that I mentioned having surgery. I didn’t elaborate or give any details. I didn’t mean to be vague but maybe I did. I share some of my life on social media, but I don’t give too many details. I have had a few people reach out and ask me about it and I have no problem sharing my stories when asked. I think that by sharing our stories, we can be of service to others because our stories can be a source of encouragement, validation and comfort (among other things) to others.

So what is the story, you ask? Well, I began bleeding heavily a few years ago. Being in my early 40s, I passed it off as getting older and it being normal. I figured my body is changing. It was indeed changing, but not necessarily normal. Common, yes. “Normal?” Let’s not go down that rabbit hole right now. Because wtf is normal anyway? Spending the entire time in the bathroom at the dog park and bleeding through all tampons is certainly NOT normal. My heavy bleeding was not healthy or helping my body in any way. It was not a normal cycle that a woman experiences at any age. In fact, it was depleting my body of the healthy blood levels it needed to survive and I ended up in the emergency room with extremely low hemoglobin levels.

Before I ended up in the emergency room, the heavy bleeding controlled my life quite a bit. I lived my life around my cycles. I stayed home instead of going on hiking and camping trips, going to yoga classes, spending time with family…etc. It drained my energy, increased my anxiety and depression and I really had no idea how much it took over my life until I stopped to focus on it. I talked about it with my hair dresser and she mentioned that my story sounded similar to someone she knew who ended up having fibroids. She said to go to the doctor and have them check it out. She even offered to go with me, but I hadn’t gone to the doctors in quite some time and I didn’t want to go…so I resumed my regular scheduled inner dialogue of I’m just getting older and my body is going through the change.

One evening, lying in savasana pose waiting for my hot yoga class to start, I suddenly had the thought to put my hands on my belly/pelvic area and start feeling around and give myself a sort of physical self-examination. While I was doing that, I was shocked that I actually felt something. I examined the other side to see if I felt anything there and did not. When I got home I googled the female anatomy to see what and if there should be something there and no…it didn’t seem so. But who am I? I am just a googler. I am not a professional. After thinking about it and talking it over with others, I decided to make an appointment with a doctor. The doctor couldn’t see me soon enough for my curiosity and anxious nerves, so I decided to go to urgent care.

The doctor at the local urgent care confirmed that there was definitely something there that should be. She ordered an ultrasound. I got the ultrasound results before I was able to go to the doctor appointment and it did confirm that I had large masses in and around my uterus. I was not in pain. I never was. As stated before, I was experiencing heavy bleeding and I also was experiencing frequent urination, a heavy pressure feeling and fatigue. All these things were starting to connect and make sense in my head as I thought of all the things I kept telling myself were normal or because I was just depressed or anxious for whatever stressors happen in life. (Pain is a symptom of these masses, but it wasn’t for me. It depends on location.)

When I was finally able to see my doctor, she told me she suspected that I had fibroid tumors. She also said they are almost never cancerous so to not worry about that, but also don’t discount it either. She ordered blood tests and was so helpful and reassuring. She wanted to make sure that I was taken care of ASAP. The Urgent Care doctor was just as amazing and as I started to share my experience with others, I learned that often women are not taken seriously when they go to health care professionals for these type of issues, so I feel extremely grateful that this was not the case for me and hopeful maybe things are changing.

Not long after I left my doctor appointment, I received an urgent phone call from the doctor urging me to go to the emergency room as soon as possible. She said that the lab called her, they almost never do that and they did so because my hemoglobin levels were dangerously low. We went back and forth because I didn’t want to go to the emergency room. I didn’t want to have fibroids or an issue with my blood. I promised her that I would talk it over with my loved ones and allow them to talk me into going and that’s exactly what they did. So I went. Quickly I began feeling like a burden and my wonderful boyfriend assured me and comforted me every time I voiced this concern.

The emergency room turned out to be a waste of time. Apparently these emergency room doctors don’t want you there unless you are dying by their standards and if you have a rare blood type that can give to others, but cannot receive as easily, they don’t want to waste their blood on you. That is pretty much what the doctor said. There is a shortage of my blood type and I was one number away on their scale of when they deemed necessary for a blood transfusion. Honestly, I was perfectly fine with that and I was happy to go home to my kids and my dog. I didn’t want to go in the first place, remember? But…this didn’t help with my feeling like a burden.

I contacted my doctor and explained the emergency room situation. She was irritated that they didn’t give me an iron shot at least. (I learned later that they don’t have those at every emergency room or doctor’s office like they used to.) I promised my doctor that I would take an iron supplement in the evening and in the morning, eat foods high in iron and to make an appointment for the specialist she referred me to ASAP. I didn’t realize how weak I was until my blood levels started to rise. As soon as I got my first burst of energy, I painted six accent rooms in my house! Whoa… is this what normal energy levels feel like? You mean I am not just depressed, anxious and unable to grow as a person passed this endless exhaustion?

My boyfriend (he has been so supportive and wonderful through this whole thing btw…I am so lucky) drove me to the specialist appointment. The specialist ordered an MRI and confirmed that agreed with the ultrasound notes that these masses were mostly likely fibroids, but she wanted to gain more information from an MRI. She explained all of my options to me and explained why she felt that surgery would be the best option. She also made it very clear that it is my choice and she is there to support me on what I choose. She told me that for some women this is a journey and they choose to deal with it without surgery. I decided that I didn’t want that journey.

Although I am a person who would prefer to do things the natural way, I agreed with her. Not only her, but every doctor that I had seen up until that point warned me that I will most likely need surgery because the size and location of the fibroids were large and causing me to lose too much blood, too quickly. She explained that although the fibroids are large, she believes that the surgery can be accomplished laparoscopically and that she wanted to have another surgeon who specializes in this type of non invasive surgery to assist her.

The MRI was horrible. I missed the part where the doctor explained that during the MRI there will be an IV placed for contrast. This is done so that they can see movement and textures, I think. Well, my veins are small and they like to roll. So, when I know that I will have blood drawn or an iv placed, I try to prepare by drinking a lot of water before hand…but I didn’t know much about MRIs and that having an IV was even an option…even with a little research beforehand.

So yeah… it didn’t go well. Two different men tried and failed to place the IV. It was a very uncomfortable situation. There were no women there at all. I was in a gown, I was cold and my boyfriend couldn’t be with me. He had to stay in the lobby. I didn’t feel safe. After they had tried in each of my arms and hands, I said that’s enough. I gave them one last chance in which he declined and didn’t even want to try. He said he couldn’t find a vein. We agreed to proceed with the MRI without it. Luckily the doctor was still able to gain enough information without it and I didn’t have to go back.

The MRI showed that in the month in between the ultrasound and MRI, these things were growing. I was put on Lupron Depot Injections until I could have surgery. The soonest they could schedule the surgery was four months later. In addition to the two surgeons, I also had a urologist to place ureter stents to make them more visible during the surgery, so that they would more visible and not harmed during the procedure. The urologist was just as wonderful as the other doctors involved….well everyone except for the MRI guys.

Oh… and can you believe that the MRI guys put in the notes that I REFUSED the IV? Yes, I did call the hospital and made sure to let them know of my experience. I never like to throw people under the bus, but I do believe that truth needs to be told so that improvement can happen for future patients. I didn’t mention earlier that as soon as the first attempt at the IV failed, the guy told me that it was a bad IV day and he sighed and I could feel the lack of confidence and frankly…competence. It made me anxious. I am grateful that one was attentive enough to offer me some warm blankets and water. I hold no bitterness for these men. I wish them well.

For four months as I waited for my surgery date, I went once a month, an hour away, to receive my Lupron Depot Shot. The first time I went, I learned that I am allergic to bandaids and probably the latex that is in the glue? To this day, I still have the mark where the bandaid was placed only for a few short hours. This explains the rashes I’d get every time I used a bandaid. I didn’t even know this was a thing. It took me forty-three years to learn this…smh. I also learned that Lupron is a chemo drug and there are many side effects and that these side effects can be long lasting. Some people claim to experience them years after they have stopped taking it, even if they only received one injection. The two main ones that I remember are bone density and hot flashes, but there are many more.

Lupron throws you into temporary menopause. So not only was I waking up three to five times to use the restroom in the middle of the night (my uterus was so large that it was pushing on my bladder, similarly to when I was pregnant), but I was also waking up to night sweats. I kept telling the doctors that it was okay because at least it was still cold outside and I was grateful for that. And they would kinda chuckle and say I was their most optimistic Lupron patient. March 21st was my last injection (almost 2 months ago) and I am still experiencing hot flashes and night sweats as well as brain fog, confusion and memory loss. I am going to remain optimistic and be proactive in this situation, whatever that actually means… I will find out.

I had my surgery on April 27th, 2023. We had to be at the hospital at 5:00AM. My boyfriend took the day off from work, drove me there and stayed until it was time for him to drive me home. It was outpatient. They took everything but my ovaries. Everyone at the hospital was amazing. They were so nice. I have a lot of experience with hospitals because my 21-year-old daughter was born with a cleft lip and palate and she has had many surgeries. I am used to being the one nurturing the patient, not being the patient. I had never had surgery before. It was scary and I did want to cancel it so many times, but no matter how I tried to talk myself out of it, I believe that it was the best option for me. And I still do believe that.

Prior to my surgery, I joined a facebook hysterectomy support group. There was a mix of successful, happy stories as well as horror stories and women going through it in real time. It was terrifying and I was terrified that something could go very wrong as it is a risk you agree to when you go through any type of surgery. I wanted to let that fear talk me out of going through with it. I could have but I knew that I would only being delaying the inevitable…for me.

I am in NO WAY trying to suggest that everyone should have surgery. I believe that everyone needs to decide for themselves what the best route for them is, despite anyone else’s experience, opinions and/or advice. Take it all in as options and information, but it’s YOUR choice and I do not want to sway you in either direction. I want to tell my story as it applies to me and not as any sort of suggestion as to what others should do for themselves. Each person’s experience is different and requires self reflection to come up with the best treatment for their specific needs.

Again, for me, surgery was the best option. Being afraid wasn’t reason enough for me to not get the surgery. To be brave is to feel the feelings and push through it. Pushing through the fear means feeling the fear and observing the fearful thoughts with non-judgment. Feel the feelings and allow the thoughts. The only way for me to get through the fear was to accept it. Not only did I need to accept the fear, but I had to accept all possible outcomes and know that whatever happened, it was going to be okay and that I would get through it. I also had to have faith that things would work out. I had to let go and trust the professionals to do what they do, what they do every day. I had to let go of the what ifs and go with the flow.

The surgery was a success and I was released the same day. They were able to do the surgery laparoscopically as planned. I peed, I threw up and they let me go home. I was ready to go home. I was ready to begin my recovery, but I was also nervous. I was nervous because they wanted me to take Oxy for the pain and I didn’t want to take it. I was afraid that I would like it and as a sober person, that’s a scary thought. I did end up taking it but I was very vocal about my concerns to my doctors and to my boyfriend because I felt that transparency got me out of the dark where I could possibly give into addictive behavior.

I only took the Oxy for the first few days. I had a crazy trip on it one night and decided to never take it at night again. After that night, I only took half of one only when absolutely necessary. I disposed of the remaining unused pills. I thought of keeping them just in case we needed them for something, but before they made their way in our home, had we needed them before? Nope. So away they went.

While I was at the hospital, a very good friend of mine stayed at our house, took my son to school and home, cared for him and my dogs and held down the fort. Because of this, I at least didn’t have to worry about what was happening at home and could go into the surgery with peace of mind on that front. I am so very grateful for this support. I wish everyone could have someone in their lives that would be there for them in this way. I have also been blessed with amazing family, neighbors, friends, social media friends, and even clients who have checked up on me, sent me flowers, cards, gift certificates, edible arrangements and meals!

I learned through this experience that I have accomplished shedding my walls and building relationships like I never have before. I have learned what it looks like to support someone who has gone through surgery so that I may now know how to support someone else. I have learned that sometimes we don’t know how to support others until we experience the support ourselves. Through these realizations, I offer grace to others and to myself for not knowing the right actions to take. We don’t know until we know.

My recovery has been great. I am slowly resuming my regular daily routine, but I have learned through the support group not to push it, otherwise I could end up in the emergency room…so I don’t. I do stuff and then I rest. I do more of the things and then I rest again. I am most excited about making my son breakfast, taking him to school, walking my dogs, practicing hot yoga again, vacuuming (I have to admit this is probably higher up on the list) and being able to walk across the house with a full laundry basket. I am also eager to see what life is like not chronically anemic. I won’t have to look around at others and wonder how they accomplish so much because….I will be among them.

If you have any questions about anything that I mentioned or didn’t mention, please reach out. This can be a lonely road if you don’t have support. Join a support group, talk to your friends and family. You are not alone, you are not a burden, it is not normal to bleed that much, if you have any thought that something is out of whack, please go see a doctor. You will get through this.

<3 Leticia Rae