Putting Words to Feelings

My daughter is spreading her wings. She got herself a boyfriend and she is mostly never home. She is out there in the world doing her thing. She is my oldest, 19, so all of these feelings are very new and difficult to explain. Am I sad? Do I feel empty? Am I worried? Am I happy for her? I am feeling many emotions at once. Part of the reason I may be feeling a bit confused about how I am feeling is that it all happened so quickly. I know the preparation and lift off looks different for every child and even the flying, but I guess I just expected to have more time and more steps to prepare myself.

It all happened in a matter of a week. And before that, she was mostly home. She graduated high school online and then covid hit, so she spent an abnormal amount of time at home and because of that and other factors, she was depressed and it was heartbreaking. Leading up to this week of flight, we had been talking a lot about her depression together and with her doctors. So when all of a sudden, as the world seemed to open up a bit, she spent time with friends and got a boyfriend, I was REALLY happy and excited for her.

I could see that she was happy and she was coming out of her shell. I could see that the transition was even a little difficult for her and not without a little struggle but she was smiling and happy. It is so weird to feel both excited and scared at the same time. I was initially worried because of all the things I went through at that age. It’s difficult to not worry that she will go through the same things. I was relieved too because she was no longer depressed in her room. It’s so hard to let our kids go and we have to get to this place of acceptance and trust that we did our best to prepare them.

They are going to make mistakes. They are going to get hurt. We cannot protect them from everything out there in the world and that is terrifying, but I also know that she has to live her life. She is independent from me. She is an adult and she gets to make all the decisions for herself now. All I can do is be here and support her. Even if I think she is making questionable decisions, I can tell her how I feel but ultimately it’s her decision.

I just don’t know exactly where I fit in when it comes to seeking support. I am not an empty nester because that implies that my last child is leaving the house. But I definitely feel a little empty. I have a ten-year-old son who goes to his dad’s on the weekends and my boyfriend’s kids are week on, week off. So, when our three kids are home, it feels more “normal” but the week they are not here… I feel kinda like what I imagine an empty nester feels like.

Putting words to my feelings is something I have been practicing. But what if we can’t figure out what the heck we are actually feeling? This might sound weird, but I googled my feelings. I found charts of a list of feelings and read each one until I could identify how I was feeling. I found this list to be most helpful. My daughter came home today with her new boyfriend and when she left I couldn’t figure out how I was feeling. After looking at the list I realized I felt: on edge, proud, accepting, compassion, curious, empty, uneasy, grateful, optimistic, anxious, exhausted, grief, sad and hopeful.

Putting words to feelings actually makes the feelings feel less intense. It feels validating when we put words to our feelings. This has been helpful to me because as I am searching for a support group that could help me feel supported and validated, I realize, while it is still beneficial to talk to others, simply (or not so simply) putting words to your feelings is a great way to get that validation on your own. We can find these words while we talk to others, as well as writing in a journal. It’s interesting how when we are getting our feelings out, whether through writing or talking, we are able to organize and make sense of them.

What I learned from observing my feelings is that I was in a place of bouncing back and forth from fear and love. My past and mom worry had me in fear and my mom pride and my daughter brought me back to love. I am proud of her. I accept whatever path she chooses, because it is her life to live.

<3 Leticia

“To raise a child, who is comfortable enough to leave you, means you’ve done your job. They are not ours to keep, but to teach how to soar on their own.” -unknown

“You don’t own your children. You can’t control your children. They weren’t given to you for those reasons. Love them. Show them. Encourage them. Help them strengthen their wings. Teach them to fly.” -unknown

“There are two gifts we should give our children: one is roots, and the other is wings.” -unknown

“Good parents give their children Roots and Wings. Roots to know where home is, wings to fly away and exercise what’s been taught them.” -Jonas Salk